Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Why I Will NEVER Have (a) "Sex On The Beach"

Vodka, Peach Schnapps, Orange Juice and Cranberry Juice. Seems harmless enough…right?

34 years and three months ago, an 18 year old “woman” and a 21 year old “man” went to Jones Beach with a few friends after a community fashion show. There, on the sands of that Long Island, NY beach, they walked hand in hand, admiring the cloudless, starry night. Gazing lovingly into each others’ eyes, they could no longer resist the urge to kiss, to touch and lay in the sand. Together, their bodies exchanged souls and they made passionate love under a full, blue moon.

At least that’s how I’d like to think I was conceived.

When I was 10, in an un-medicated, bipolar high, my father told me the story of how I came to be.

“Yeah…so, after I put on my fashion show at the Lady Eye Lounge, you know, when I had my Players Line, yeah we all went to Jones Beach. Your mom modeled for me and she helped sew the clothes for the show. She was real, real talented and she had a BOOTY on HER!! So, know how it is ..a little drinkin’, a little smokin’ some herb and me and your mother, you know…Ah-hah-ah-hah-hah..ohh man…”

My face, as pale as chocolate skin can get I’m sure,  was frozen with horror.

“Oh,” I responded. “Were you guys in love?”

“Love? Naaaah it wasn’t even like that. We were friends. I loved her like you love your friends, you know? She might have loved me, though. I loved your sister’s mother like that.”

What’s that sound? Oh, it’s a sound I’d come to know several more times in my life. It is the sound of my heart cracking under the pressure of disappointment.

“Why are you crying, Kelly? Oh you don’t like that? Well that’s just how it was in the seventies. Free love and all ‘a that. Not like Leave it To Beaver or one of those things. Ah-hah-ah-hah-ah-hah!”

I’m sure he went on to talk about something else, but at that moment, I formed a new belief that I wasn’t special and wasn’t worthy because my parents were only out having a good time. That conversation marked the day that my first illusion was shattered. I was not a product of love between two people. A little bit of my fire went out. I’ll never forget that.

“Can I be entitled to love, if I wasn’t made from love?”

That question stuck with me for years. More years than I’d care to share. I will say, a lot of failed relationships spawned from that question while I tried to search for the answer.

A few pumps and a dump on the shores of Jones beach. Roach clip firmly pressed between his lips. Her eyes bloodshot and rolling backwards into her skull. Ashes from the clip floating onto her forehead with each thrust.

He didn’t pull out fast enough or he was too high to bother. Or he just didn’t care. And she, high and silly allowing lust to disguise itself as love. Would they remember the next day?

Nine and half months later I am born into drama. His love, my younger sister’s mother was 3 months pregnant with my sister. Throughout the entire pregnancy, he denied me and called my mother a whore. He tried to pin her pregnancy on every man he knew.

Funny, I look exactly like him. The universe is clever and cruel at once.

When he saw me, he knew I was his and he loved me. He was a good dad outside of the physical and emotional abuse. But, that’s not what this post is about.

This post is about how parents fuck up and when they cannot reconcile the damage they have done to you. Whether they’re incapable of it because they have mental problems or they’re just oblivious or they think you’re overreacting, you might face the day that you’ll never find closure from your father or mother or both.


I am growing up and I see my father less as his illness makes him incapable of caring for me. An illness I didn’t know he had until I was 19. No one told me. I am growing up believing that I was the cause of his divorce from my sister's mother. I am growing up and my mother gets married when I am 12 and I am forsaken for her new husband. I am raised by my conservative, catholic, southern grandparents who have no idea of what to do with a kid like me…artsy and too inquisitive. I am left to figure shit out on my own…never working through the hurt, just knowing that I have to navigate my way through life the best that I can until I one day die.

I am the product of a sandy pump and dump. I am dumped and left to my own vices.

I am growing up in New York City feeling abandoned by my parents who didn't love each other enough to make me. 

Fast Forward:

I am 33 and I’m dealing with it. I’m still here. I could spend another 10 years crying over how they did me wrong and continue to disappoint me regularly, but I’d rather not. One day, I made the effort to let the past stay in the past and be accountable for my present and my future. I realize the damage, now how do I fix it? ME? No one else. Unfortunately, that means I might have to distance myself or even disown them if needed to continue with my healing process.

So yeah, reminiscing about the “good ol’ days” can bring guttural, uncontrollable sobbing out of me. It hurts, fuck, I’m human. But, I can leave that moment there and carry on.

When you realize how much there is to look forward to, you don’t want anything to taint the possibilities of tomorrow. Especially your past.

I am 33. I go to a party and a man brings me a drink. It’s a Sex on the Beach and I turn him down.
“No, thank you,” I smile politely. “I’m good.”


  1. Man Kelly....parents suck ass....especially when they think they're 'helping' you out by telling you shit you should NEVER know.
    You're MORE than just a sandy pump and dump. You are beauty and life, light and color, sound and silence. You are infinitely profound and enlightened, and your ability to see a situation for how it truly is leads me to believe you have been around the Universe a few times.

    I don't know how to reconcile the past with the present or future....I don't know how to forget the past and only live for the future. I only know that right now, this moment, I have air...and a sudden desire to kiss my sleeping children's cheeks.

    Thank you <3

  2. I think that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me...that didn't want something from me. Thank YOU, Dina <3

    All we have is now. We're not even guaranteed the promise of a coming second, let alone 20, 30 more years. However, the beauty about the future is that it gives birth to a possibility.

    Even if that concept is still hard to digest, if you're still stuck on living in the now because you aren't promised today... The past can still rob you of the moments you should cherish in the present.

    Reconcile it...wether its your father, mother or ex or whatever. Don't let the pain of your past rob you of the joys in your present. I swear, when the past overwhelms you, it can create a shadow over everything in your present and you'll never see anything beautiful shining through.

    I want a cupcake.

  3. Come on over on Saturday and help me make some :-)

  4. Man that was heavy! I hope you are able to look at your past and how you came into this world from a million different angles, other than the pain and hurt angle. It sucks to hurt. It also sucks to wonder why things turned out the way they did.
    But, had that chance occurrence between your parents never taken place, the world would suck a whole lot more without your presence and without your daughters presence and without the light you bring to this shit hole of an excuse for a planet we live on. You rock Kelly-no doubt, a dolomite!

    Im sending you a song, on your profile, a quite fitting song, that just so happens to be one of my all time favorite songs from one of my all time favorite bands. Make sure you put on your good headphones and turn the volume in the corner.

  5. Mmm K... I love the McCausley's. I truly do. :)

    "A million different angles" hmmm. Reality has many dimensions. Cause and effect, the butterfly effect...all of that. This is one side and you're right, I need to look at other sides. I usually do...perhaps I should write them down. Maybe if things weren't so very dark and strange these days...I still try to find humor, though...

    Thanks for the love. I appreciate it so much. If you guys ever consider polygamy, I'm down to be a sister-wife. :D

  6. why do i keep putting an apostrophe in McCausley's...? LOL..whatever. you guys know what I mean.

  7. Kelly you are the shiznit! "Pumps and a Bump" i might make that your ringtone... but i'll pretend it says pumps and dumps.

    i love you like i love my girdle.

  8. Nooo..YOU ARE!!!! omg..still lmao "never again" I'm through...lmaooo

  9. wow... i know from experience how parents fuck up your life but in the end it u gotta know that if u weren't worthy of love u wouldn't be here...atleast that's what i believe...gets me thru day to day...

  10. here. Love is bigger than us, than this... I'm here. You're here, let's make the most of it. <3 you, girl.

  11. I have similar parental issues, especially with my father. I spent years feeling worthless and unlovable because of it. I realized something though, and it set me free.
    I am not unlovable. I am loved by my children and by the God who created me. My parents are merely a vessel for my emergence into this life. It' not that I am unlovable, it's that my father is not capable of loving. He loves me as much as he is capable of loving anyone. I am not broken, he is. and with that I looked at my self differently and felt sorry for that man, for all that he is lacking. He is not capable of really loving someone, but I am. And love begets love.

  12. I like what you have to say Debbie...Love begets Love in many forms. Sometimes even in the most unlikely of places...