Sunday, May 13, 2012

Insert Clever Mother's Day Title Here

Mother’s Day 2012

This morning, my kids decided to make me breakfast for Mother’s Day. My daughter prepared a bowl of oatmeal (at least I think that’s what it was) and my son handed me a slice of bread. They stood there staring at me with eager eyes waiting for me to finish the meal they prepared in my honor. I ate every bite and smiled and praised them for doing such a great job.

I wasn’t even hungry.

I just wanted some time to think in peace this morning.

I found the gesture ironic that, much like every day, I am forced to swallow something I don’t want or like for the sake of keeping my kids happy.  Definitive motherhood.

Shortly after breakfast, my mother came by to give me a bouquet of dead flowers. I had to excuse myself after my celebratory breakfast and lovely gift to cry in peace.

Oatmeal. A slice of bread. Dead flowers. Happy Mother’s Day.

Are you starting to see the picture that I am painting for you?


I thought of my upbringing in a dysfunctional, broken family and tried to isolate the reasons why approaching holidays have filled me with dread and feelings of inadequacy for most of my life.

This is the part where I stop talking about myself. This is the part where I start talking about the big picture.

Holidays can unearth repressed emotions within some people. Feigning enthusiasm and pleasure for the sake of others is probably the most difficult part of celebrating holidays.

I'd like to take a moment to say it's okay if you're *not feeling* Mother's Day or any other holiday for that matter. Not everyone can uphold the standard of conventional living implied by greeting card marketing strategies. Not all of us are perfect. Most of us do not have perfectly constructed families and 
perfect lives.

For those of us who have lost mothers and grandmothers and find this day unbearable, Fuck Mother’s Day.

For those of us who are dealing with broken homes (due to divorce or poor choices in choosing a mate) and feeling the weight of this day and not sure why, Fuck Mother’s Day.

For those of us who have buried children, Fuck Mother’s Day.

For those of us who have endured an abusive or absentee mother, Fuck Mother’s Day.

For those of us that feel like our kids are more burdensome than we’d ever care to admit to ourselves, let alone out loud, Fuck Mother’s Day.

For all of those picture perfect families walking around with smiles and honoring their matriarch on this day…Happy Mother’s Day.

For those that can’t conceive and see Mother’s Day as a demarcation of ultimate failure as a woman, Fuck Mother’s Day.

Fuck Mother’s Day.

Instead, reflect on your life and how the role of motherhood has affected you as a mother, as a child, as a spouse, as a woman or as a man. Whatever. If the feelings evoked are painful, don’t be afraid to cry or scream or punch a hole through the wall.

I’m not sure how to end this. Besides, my kids are going to eventually find me. Did I mention that I had to hide behind my bed to write this?  No? Well, I am… Forgive the typos in advance. I hope my words make sense.

Time to fake it 'til I make it. xoxo

Light and Love, yall. Everything is going to be alright.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

The Reader From New Jersey...

You've been visiting my blog since January 22. As of today, you have 138 visits. Who are you? Why don't you comment or drop me a line?

What's so fascinating about this blog that I rarely update?

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Don't Let Them Fool You: The Other Woman Matters

If you’ve stumbled upon this blog entry, you’ve more than likely made a google search seeking answers to resolve/absolve the issues brought on by the dreaded, shameful love triad known as an extramarital affair. Whether you are the ethically corrupt Jezebel, the philandering husband or the poor, sweet innocent wife/victim, an affair leaves all THREE parties (that’s right, THREE) with negative feelings that run the gamut between mild regret and self-destructive thought patterns. Hopefully, a little truth from the third party’s perspective can provide insight to all persons involved.

I’m not going to exhaust my energy discussing how an affair affects the married couple. After all, there are a zillion and one websites, books and support groups providing information on everything from why spouses cheat, all the way to repairing a marriage after the affair is over. I can almost guarantee that the other woman will never be treated as a human being with legitimate feelings when it comes to marital counseling. She is often a two-dimensional object symbolizing the emotional or physical desires of the wayward husband. At best, she is a science project, a sociology experiment merely gauging the unaddressed needs or personality flaws of the husband. Through this litmus of indiscretion, a dishonored wife can learn to understand the needs of her husband and work towards building a stronger marriage for the next twenty years.

Twenty years of rebuilding. 

This means the damaged union must embark on a twenty-year journey of self and couple realization through couples counseling, workshops and individualized therapy. That’s also twenty more years of self-help authors, therapists and retreat programs staying in business through enabling many couples to tire their arms beating the same dead horse over and over again.

But what do I know? I’m no therapist. I was, however, the other woman and I am writing this for other “other women”.

First and foremost, YOU MATTER!  Don’t let people gaslight you into feeling that your emotions are not legitimate.  Here’s a list of truths that no one wants to acknowledge when it comes to the other woman:
  1.  IT IS POSSIBLE FOR LOVE TO EXIST BETWEEN A MARRIED MAN AND ANOTHER WOMAN. The married woman doesn’t want to believe this because it pretty much shatters everything her marriage probably stands for. Nor does she want to believe that her husband could possibly utter those three golden words into an ear that doesn’t belong to her. The fact is, you know what you feel when you’re with him and he knows it, too. Holding hands at a cafĂ© during lunch at basking in the electricity of a comfortable silence is not a moment to be discredited.  There are more moments I’m sure you can think of, too. Don’t let anyone take that away from you. It was real. The wives, friends of wives and therapists will try to chalk his affair up to a mid-life crisis, insatiable libido or some other crap. The truth is, men are human and they have hearts and their hearts can sometimes be as complicated as our own.
          The downside is that even though the emotion exists, it isn’t love in action – which is where people seem to get confused. When you’re sick, he won’t be there to pick up your cold medicine from the pharmacy or make you tea with extra honey and lemon. When it snows, you’ll be the only one there to clean off your car and shovel your walk. When your father dies, you’ll be alone at the funeral. He won’t be there to hold you hand and see you through the good and the bad. He can’t. He already promised that to another woman. It sucks, but you deserve to be actively loved and not just “told” that you’re loved. 
    2.     HE’S HAVING THE AFFAIR. YOU’RE IN A TOXIC, ONE-SIDED RELATIONSHIP.  Let’s face it: you made no promise under God or Zeus or whatever to lead life as one with two other people. He made a vow to one woman that isn’t you. Therefore, this is his extramarital affair. You, my sister, are in a toxic relationship with a selfish jerk.  You’re making yourself available 100% of the time to a man that has next to no availability. Basic things couples enjoy like an impromptu dinner and a movie, retreating to a bed and breakfast during a winter holiday or even just spooning before slumber and waking up next to your love daily are denied to you. Instead, you find yourself living for the next moment that you see him and depressed during the days, weeks or even months between those times.  He has to consider the feelings of his partner and preserve his marriage, which will take up most of his time. When he does this, he places importance of another woman over you. This is not good for your self-esteem, my darling friend. When a man is loving you the right way, he will put no other woman before you.  If one of your friends were going through something similar with a single guy, I’m sure you would say the same thing to her.

3.     YOU’RE NOT A TRAMP. A lot of long-term affairs are not the result of a drunken fuck in a bar bathroom during the tail end of happy hour. Long-term affairs are cultivated and they start with friendship. At some point, perhaps months or years of connecting, the line is crossed emotionally. By the time many married men and other women realize they’ve hit dangerous ground, it’s usually too late to turn back. They’ve already become emotionally vested in each other to some degree. This level of friendship is hard to end because it is also hard to come by.

It’s unfortunate that the mass consensus of the “other woman” is that she’s some home-wrecking, desperate, amoral slut.  Personally, I engaged in an emotional affair that didn’t involve any sex at all for almost 2 years. My assumption, again, goes back to item number one. No married woman wants to believe that her husband is capable of loving someone else. Please don’t let her fear and the support of others coddling towards her victimized role mar the unseen truth: Intimacy CAN exist between a married man and a woman without sex involved. A married man CAN make love to a woman that isn’t his wife.

4.     IT’S OKAY TO BE SELF-SERVING. No one else, outside of a few amazingly non-judgmental friends, is going to lend you the support needed to get through an affair. It seems like the entire world will tell you to think of the wife and how she feels while vilifying you. Respect their marriage and be the bigger person. Guess what?

Their marriage is NOT the most important thing in YOUR world and neither are HIS feelings or HER feelings.

Once you understand this, you can start to reclaim your power. Getting out of his affair and your toxic relationship with him takes more selfishness than altruism. In retrospect, you’ve been anything but selfish. Broken dates, disappointments, spending nights alone, waiting for his call… sound familiar? While you’re crying in your Cherry Garcia, you’re also being considerate of his situation and allowing him the space he needs to maintain his marriage. Every moment that you fight the urge to send an emotionally charged email to his wife or plaster their front door with every love letter he’s ever given you proves your consideration. Bottom line, you don’t want to cause him any distress because you love him, oh, so much, right? You are considerate of his wife and her needs because he is, too. Why? While you’re looking at old pictures of him or tearfully lost in the memory of the last time you saw him, he’s off actively loving his wife. She’s getting all of the consideration, support and love she needs and more. What about you?

Face it, no one is thinking of your feelings. Now is the time to be selfish. Put on your Queen B crown and cut off anyone and everyone that can’t get with your program. You are too great of a force to be put on the back burner by any man for any woman. Besides, there is a world of men out there ready to accommodate your needs on your terms.

5. THEIR MARRIAGE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. If you felt at all powerless before, let this be an affirmation of your Titan strength. You have turned their world upside down and they will never be able to be what they were ever again. At best, they can start fresh and try to reinvent their marriage. Nonetheless, your presence has forever shattered truths their marriage was built upon. Personally, I think those "truths" are delusions. If they carried weighted honesty, there would have never been room for an affair in the first place. These people will not have an easy road ahead of them. They might succeed. They might fail. They might learn to be honest or they might continue to lie to themselves. Either way, their outcome is no concern of yours. Hand the burden of truth over to them and move forward. The other woman has the luxury of starting fresh with newfound knowledge of herself. How awesome is that?

6.  YOUR PAIN IS VALID. You are a woman. You are a human being. You are entitled to being healed from the aftermath of an affair just as much as that god-awful married couple getting everyone’s prayers. You, my sister, carry the biggest burden in this love triad. You have to find the room to heal amidst the surrounding shame that you’ve been given the responsibility of carrying. While the married man and his wife move onward in recovery, they have each other for support through a shared purpose. Their efforts to maintain strong ties with each other will be supported and applauded by their loved ones. Whereas you, my sister, will have lost your pride, chunks of self-esteem, optimism all while losing the man you loved. As they move forward towards healing, you have to get through the process of the pain of his absence. Every passing day after the affair, you wonder if he’s forgotten you. You wonder if he’s in love with her all over again. You start to question yourself and you feel another layer of your self-esteem crack off of your armor and crash to the ground. This is a dangerous time for many women left behind after the affair. Suicides, addiction and self-destructive behavior are dangerously common reactions to such heartache. Before you exit the affair, have a support network ready. Trusted friends, a therapist and a support group will help you steer towards a positive future and a healthier you. Don’t fall into the abyss of the aftermath. If that couple is permitted to move forward, so are you.

If you are still involved with a married man, I strongly recommend leaving the situation as soon as possible.  The longer you hold on to him, the harder it will be to recover in the inevitable end. After a while, your self-esteem will be a foreign concept and you will rely on the inconsistent attention given by a man who will never be able to give you all that you deserve…thus, destroying your self esteem even more. He might not intentionally try to hurt you, but he will and he does. Don’t make excuses justifying why he breaks your heart and why you allow him to do so.

You can grow from the experience of being the other woman. What positive aspects have you learned about yourself? What happened in your past that left you open to receive a toxic relationship? What negative aspects have you found within yourself that you’d like to change?

We all make mistakes. We live, love, learn and grow. We are all human…no one woman is any better or any worse than any "other "woman.

**Godspeed Yall**

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Wilde at Heart

You, Mr. Wilde...

Literally imprisoned for following the desires of the heart and body. His brilliance resonates and rings true to the souls of those held under the thumb of convention and social expectation.

Your pen or quill or whatever... a weapon indeed.

Oh Oscar, I am silenced, bitterly silenced, by emotions overwhelming. No place else to turn but to the words of poets past, reading prose like biblical canons. Salvation in the confessions of a heart drunk on forlorn circumstance. Again, I am not alone.

Genuflect before the Picture of Dorian Gray. Through you, I learn The Importance of Being Earnest.

Perhaps my life is a lesson to a young man or an older woman 100 years from now. Perhaps the cross I bear will make it easier for the next person to carry their own knowing they aren't carrying it alone.

Big Picture.

Thank you, Oscar. I do adore you.

Silentium Amoris

by Oscar Wilde

As often-times the too resplendent sun
Hurries the pallid and reluctant moon
Back to her sombre cave, ere she hath won
A single ballad from the nightingale,
So doth thy Beauty make my lips to fail,
And all my sweetest singing out of tune.

And as at dawn across the level mead
On wings impetuous some wind will come,
And with its too harsh kisses break the reed
Which was its only instrument of song,
So my too stormy passions work me wrong,
And for excess of Love my Love is dumb.

But surely unto Thee mine eyes did show
Why I am silent, and my lute unstrung;
Else it were better we should part, and go,
Thou to some lips of sweeter melody,
And I to nurse the barren memory
Of unkissed kisses, and songs never sung.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Existential Downtime: Darwin's 5 Possible Outcomes and Dealing With The Monkey Shit Life Throws at You.

Ahhh FML, yo...ferreal...

When did life turn into a game of dodgeball? With every stupid ball thrown, I find myself scattering left and right and dipping and ducking to survive the constant changes happening on what seems like a daily basis at this point. Do I catch the ball and fight back, do I drop low and hope they sail overhead or do I just let that stupid tether ball smack me in the eye... Maybe a little of all three?

I suppose change is inevitable. I suppose the manner in which we respond to change depends on the individual's response or/and the severity of a changing situation.

Charles Darwin's 5 possible outcomes to a change of environment or circumstance comes to mind when I think about how to deal with changes in life:

Do we allow parts of ourselves to cease functioning for the sake of survival when accepting a new and unfamiliar situation?

Do we continue to grow alongside others as they mutate, forcing us to mutate accordingly in order to exist in a confined area amidst the spectrum of a changing situation?

Do we find our strengths within the face of change to co-exist with others that provide complementary strengths in order to survive as a community?

Do we spread ourselves out and find options within the face of change?  Should we seek other aspects in life with the hopes of finding a place to grow into a completely different person?

Do we surrender to the past and allow ourselves to slowly drift into a ghost of what we once were because the inevitable changes life presents frightens us, angers us...or we just resist...?

The more I think about it, the balance of all five is ideally human. Accepting change and giving up a part of yourself in order to adapt. Living alongside someone and absorbing his changes so that you can grow alongside him. Finding your strengths and seeing how the strengths of others around you can help you to survive. Making sure that you don't turn your back on opportunities that present the ability to grow in new ways never thought of. Honoring the past and seeing the road taken and how the road can prepare you for today....

They all can work hand in hand, can't they?

Just some thoughts...

*end transmission*

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Why I like Nice Guys....and the Reason Ain't So Nice.

To quote myself:

"Nice guys finish last because they're too focused on giving everyone around them a head start..."

Not sure what this has to do with this post, but I think that's a brilliant goddam quote. *pat on the back*

So, I'm over here thinking about all of the times I've heard from "nice guys" that they have a problem staying out of the friend zone and getting the woman that they might want.

Well, what I have learned is thaaaat nice guys are attracted to some fucked up women. Just like how nice girls are attracted to some serious assholes. Perhaps their is a certain level of fear-otica involved? Perhaps the danger aspect of having your emotions tossed into a centrifuge and leaving you leveled, in debt and possibly with a new baby has something to do with it.

Who knows?

All I KNOW is that nice guys either don't like me or I turn them into assholes.

Assholes can't get enough of me. I tame them and make them beg...never giving them anything because I don't like them. But I do adore the challenge of bringing the asshole out of a nice guy. New hobby...

Who is this callous bitch that I have become? I'm not the kind of bitch that usually comes with the title of "wife". No, I'm so fucking cold hearted that I don't even recognize myself anymore. Dear God, I have been through the fucking wringer with these fucking men. Good thing that I am a fan of karma, because I could really see myself becoming some kind of serial killer of men.

So, instead of picking up an axe or a revolver, I write:

They way they glare at me...hungry. The remarks they make about my cleavage and my mouth. Fuck Puppet extreme..seriously it fucking hurts when I want to believe that I am so much more. Well, I used to be more. Now, I'm not sure. Maybe they can sense that I've surrendered and no longer seek relationships and love. Maybe they can smell me when I am just exceptionally horny. Walking in a skirt, satin panties, feeling the lips of my kitty rub against the other...subtle oozing of sex. My wetness. Walking into the convenience store to buy a scratch off game and my smokes. They all turn their heads, nostrils flaring, pupils rapidly dilating....sniffing harder. Approaching me with their off-color advances. Some stumbling into the coffee pots and creamers. Other's looking fearful. Some bold enough to ask for my number.

They are all denied...and I walk away, leaving a trail of sex behind me. Their eyes follow me out of the door.

But it isn't love. It's a carnal desire for sex and conquest. When they look at me, they never see love. They see a whore, a mistress, a woman that might do things that other women won't.

As the voice of the ghost of what I once was trails faintly from millions of miles above me, "I just want somebody to love me..."...repeated... as I recklessly descend into the deep pitch black....until I hear nothing but the steady hum of my own self-loathing, malice and discontent. The familiar, bitter taste of reproach soothes the palette.

Oh, sweet surrender into lustful oblivion. A different kind of numbing.

Fuck me until I hurt. Fuck me until you split me in two. Make me forget about love. About these so called "nice guys". Turn off the lights. Get rid of this hope.

Maybe one day I will meet a nice guy at that convenience store...and he'll sniff me out. He'll be shy about approaching me. Maybe I'll walk up to him, put his hand up my skirt and take him to the men's room. Maybe ...I'll let this nice guy fuck me.  And if he does, he won't be a nice guy anymore.

I want to make him thrust harder and harder as we experience violent fucking into le petit muer. The  further stabbing of my own dead, hopeless heart. The asphyxiation of his decency. The nice guy drowned to death in a pool of his own semen.

Maybe letting him fuck me is murder in an abstract sense. Slaying his stoic sensibilities and aptitude for Godly justice in a way. Making him see the truth. He's just an animal. Just like me.

Death by sex, the numbers increase. The nice guys have gone missing. Keep your doting husbands, super boyfriends and wonderful sons locked indoors. Call out an APB. There might be a serial killer on the loose after all.

Nice guys like to complain about getting the short end of the stick, but I am convinced that deep within the heart of every "nice guy" lays an asshole just screaming to get out. They're just too afraid of letting go...that's when they look at me.

The way they smell me, I can sniff them out, too.

Am I even the prey anymore? Not even a little bit.

What have I become....

Well, maybe everyone, when stripped to the core is pretty much an asshole given enough beat downs by life to make them hate the light of day or cringe at the sound of laughter or break into hives at displays of love.

Or maybe not. Maybe I'm the only cold-hearted, asshole bitch with nothing to lose and a lot of darkness within me clawing its way out every day. I can feel my skin burn underneath from that devil woman's nails scratching to get out of my body.

I fear for the world. The scariest thing a man can ever confront is a woman that no longer gives a fuck.

*fun times*

Sunday, March 27, 2011

How do I taste?

Not bitter, I hope. 

Here's a cute video of a kitten. Enjoy! Hugs and Kisses.

Hahaha... cute widdew kitty in da frijerator...