Why Houses Built on Marshes Sink: Love and Marriage PSA

This entry isn’t as much as a narrative as it is a PSA for Marriage.

…or maybe like some words from the wise.

Before you decide to make a commitment to any person and give your life to the union, make sure that you have realized yourself, who you are and what you want from this life as an individual.

If you go into a union looking to resolve issues from your past, more than likely, you’ll end up with someone that is a reflection of your pain. More than likely, that person will be the one to act as a foster parent to your neglected inner child.  I can see the appeal in it because I have experienced it. However, all that person ends up doing is crippling your growth into adulthood. Not intentionally, of course, but when the basis for your ideal partner stems from a pained void, more than likely, you’ll overlook other aspects of this person’s character. In time, when you’re ready to evolve into the next stage of your life, you’ll find yourself unsettled and outgrowing the relationship. Enter marital strife.

Above all, its unfair to the other person involved. While you’re allowing your spouse to spoon feed strained peas and Xanax to your id, your spouse could be missing out on someone out there who can embrace him or her fully. Instead, you have sucked this person into a life of licking your wounds and raising a child that will never, ever grow.

I married someone. We had two kids together and it seemed like it would make sense to tie the knot. However, our relationship was based on repairing our traumatic childhoods by correcting our parents’ mistakes and creating an ideal life for each other through our partnership and through our kids. Outside of Hip Hop, it turned out that was the only thing we had in common. We overlooked our different manners of expressing love and affection, our lack of communication skills and our inability to come to mutual understanding for years. Ultimately, the negative managed to override our perceived noble beginnings and everything we tried to create was destroyed.

See, you can’t build a home on top of an unstable foundation. If you try, your house will undoubtedly fall.

I lost so much valuable time and expended so much of my energy focusing on cultivating infertile soil.  If I loved myself enough to place that energy on myself, who knows what my life might be like right now. 

Blah to “what-if’s”! Looking back with regret just makes you more weak and susceptible to repeating mistakes.  Looking back creates a new obstacle for future growth. However, looking back and learning from your choices can give you herculean strength. Looking back and learning from your past is the key to developing a healthy adulthood.

I am here, life is new and I am on the road to self-realization and loving myself more and more every day. At one point, I thought I failed my kids by splitting up with their dad. However, I am respecting them more by showing them my capabilities as their mother on my on terms. They learn more from me when I can truly be me. In being honest with myself, I am honest with them and they learn the importance of being honest with themselves.

The importance of knowledge of self, self-realization and finding closure on your own terms is beneficial you and any future marriage plans. When you are right with yourself, you can clearly define your needs from a potential mate that will compliment a healthy you.

I believe that marriage under this kind of false pretense or false presentation of self contributes to the alarming divorce rates in this country. Unfortunately, love doesn’t fix everything. Makes you wonder…how can you truly commit love to another person if you’ve never learned to fully love and embrace yourself as an individual? How can you build and share a life with someone, if you haven’t yet learned to structure and uphold your own?

…just some thoughts.