Dear Men,
I am just a young woman trying to navigate my way through this life like anyone else. Unfortunately, I feel that your gender has complicated my natural state of being due to persistent bitchassness and bullshit.
I was once a girl with the potential to be a loving, supportive, generous matriarch with an insatiable appetite to please the right man in every shape, form and position. Nothing would have given me more satisfaction than to welcome my man home from work with a blow job and a steak dinner cooked with my own delicate hands.
Now that I am in my thirties, however, I have gone from pink to a steel, titanium gray. I no longer have the desire to be feminine as I have been forced to become one of you.
Today, I tried to put on lip gloss and eyeliner and shit but I couldn’t do it. Why? Because progressively, throughout the day, I grew a humongous set of great, big, undulating hairy testicles and a fifteen-inch cock.
I was alarmed. Needless to say, I did what many do when they can't cope with unforeseen circumstances.
I bought a bottle of (fill in the blank booze here).
Grab a glass... I'll pour a snifter or two...
Ready? Let's do this...
Yes, men out there…Here’s a Toast:
For all of the times you let a door slam in my face when walking behind you into the local Radio Shack – for all the times you’ve made hissing noises and crude gestures towards me while I was out and about with my kids – for all the times you stared me down like a bloodthirsty jackal while in the presence of your significant other – for all the times you cowered at the threat of my accomplishments and tried to cut me down with disparaging remarks – for all the times you were amidst a sea of male photojournalists and you chose my neck to step on in order to get the perfect shot…
For all of the times you’ve raped me…
For all of the times you’ve swung at me, thrown laptops at me and did permanent damage to my right knee…
For all of the times you’ve told me you loved me and then disappeared…
For all of the times you’ve taken pieces of me and never embraced the whole me…
For all of the times you’ve left me hanging…
For all of the times you've taken my dark skin as a warrior’s armor, able to withstand the toughest blows…
For all of the times you’ve called me a bitch and a whore for not complying…
For all of the times you lied and lied and said you loved me…
For all of the times you’ve left me alone to care for our kids without a dime of support or your presence to make them whole positively…
For all of the times you were supposed to be my protector, but chose to side with my assailant…
For all of the times you opened me up and left me alone as vulnerable prey….
For all of the times you made promises and broke them…
For all of the times you expected my solidarity despite your infidelity…
For all of the times you forced me to question my beauty because I didn’t live up to your Hollywood-hyped television standards….
For all of the times you left me in the cold, unclad and bleeding from the inside…
For all of the times you ate me up just to defecate me out…
For all of the times I gave you my love and you spat upon my very most fundamental emotion…
For all of the times you colored my pink black…
Here’s to you, MEN.
CHEERS!!!
Thanks for helping to cultivate me into the strong, vicious she-male I am today…
Balls the size of co-co-nuts and a great big dick that’s hungry to tear some anus…
Thanks for your cold shoulder, because it has turned me into the Ice Queen I have always needed to be…
Romance? Fuck that…hugs and kisses are for ladies? Me? I am no longer a lady by any means. I am the most dangerous being in the world. I'm one of you...
Once a woman who wanted a caring love, then a woman denied. Funny how the formula works.
I have no choice…Thanks for not giving me any OPTIONS, Men…
So, while you sit wrapped up in your self delusion, comfort and complacency…lying in your mother’s basement or childhood bedroom or underneath that Venus of Willendorf bosom of your significant other…suckling your way into selective memory…
Remember… you turned a bonafide DIAMOND into a Coal Miner…
Have another shot. I know I will…and I’ll drink your ass under the table.
Best wishes,
Your Protégé.
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