Thursday, November 4, 2010

No Slaughterhouse for This Bovine Heffa, jusssst sayin...

I HATE being out of shape.

Ever since I had these kids, I've put dancing aside. I have not been able to commit to not one single, solitary fitness regimen since my life now belongs to little people. Between professional development, education and child rearing...not to mention living in my head and fighting insecurities, I have yet to find a place in my life to incorporate a regular healthy, physical activity.

I feel totally unfulfilled.'s not like I haven't made a few attempts. Let's run down the list and see what I have tried:

Yoga and fitness videos. NO. I feel like an idiot sitting in front of a television while some fitness cyborg tries to tell me how to do a proper downward facing dog.

Running: Ha! Next.

Competitive Cycling: Okay, I bought a bike for my birthday and haven't ridden it yet. Not because I'm lazy, but because every attempt I make at peddling around my neighborhood, my plans are quickly thwarted by a psychotic Jamaican in a BMW X5 haphazardly missing my rear tire by a millimeter. I want to lose a few pounds, but not if that means expelling my organs onto concrete. Road Kill fitness...not so much my steez.

The Gym: There is no end goal. I get on the treadmill and I run. And run. But the wall in front of me isn't getting any closer and the man licking his lips next to me is still by my side, no matter how fast I try to run from him. Fitness Centers are like Hamster Wheels for people. Not feeling it so much...

The Shake Weight and The Thighmaster: Don't even ask... but, I do appreciate the free expandable closet organizers they sent (retail value 9.00 each).


So, I'm thinking that I need a regimen that will incorporate stress relief, anger management and fitness along with a tangible goal or a prize. Perhaps martial arts or maybe I should take a dance class. Hmmm...

Perhaps a Capoeira class might be just the ticket I need to fly into fitness. Hilarious. The thought of me slinging my cellulite about in a roundhouse kick circle dance is funny and disturbing. Haha..I should videotape this...

Any other ideas out there? Post a comment and give me your two cents on how I can pave my road to fitness and tell me what works or has worked for you...


  1. I have no advice because I'm stuck too. I tried the carmen electra stripper dvds and I couldn't stick to it. A martial arts class would be fun or maybe some MMA type training.

  2. We are almost in the same boat here. I hate trad fitness routines, with a passion. As a child I was forcefed baseball, basketball and football. Not my thing. As a teen and adult, I found skateboarding and surfing, As an adult, I found Backpacking, Rockclimbing and Mountaineering. The latter three afforded me an average weight of around 190. Today,swimming through dadhood, work and laziness, my fatass is averaaging around 245. The point here, I found out that outdoor sports gave me fitness, and a great view of the outdoors. Now if I could only make the time.

    Have you ever thought of a Climbing Gym? Climbing would help you exercise and find out things about yourself that you never dreampt of.

  3. @Shanta, I couldn't even play myself with the stripper video. You get props for doing that!

    @Mike, you are so right. As a kid, I was super active! Skating, dancing..snowboarding came shortly before I had my family, but I was 19 and I loved it. I didn't eat as much and I was always on the go. I did more walking around, too. The nature walks/ hiking sounds great and I could actually bring my kids...maybe. But, I have to find the time to drive out of the city. I've never thought of trying a climbing gym..

  4. Climbing Gyms are GREAT places to "learn the ropes" so to speak and get you used to the equipment and basic terms and what not before you get into clombing outdoors. for me, its very therapeutic being outdoors and on the rock. Believe me, you arent thinking about ANYTHING else when you are up on a wall! and To be sure you can find a yoga class in NY!